This past week, I’ve been quite upset. Everything sucks, nothing matters, and all is lost.
Or maybe things aren’t that dramatic. There’s nothing for me to be upset about. Each thing I focus on is going reasonably well.
My fitness is progressing. I don’t feel too sore.
I’m able to complete my work for both the day job and TXU (this website/email).
I’m getting out of the house at least once a week to meet somebody and be social. I talk to people every day.
My sleep is improving.
And yet, it feels like everything sucks.
This is an instinct I’ve learned to ignore
With my mental health history, I’m well aware that I’m prone to maximization and minimization, or the all-or-nothing mindset - “everything sucks”, “nothing is meaningless”, “everybody is brilliant”, “nobody loves me”.
Throughout my life, I’ve had random, unexplainable, and sudden bouts of deep sadness or anger. This week has been one of those weeks.
But whether it’s because I’m now in my 30s, or whether it’s because I’m just tired of dealing with this for over 15 years, I couldn’t be bothered. “Yeah I’m sad. I don’t care. What do I want to do next?”
I didn’t feel an urgency to cure myself of my sadness. I just let it be in the background and went on with my day.
This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’ve noticed that each time it does, I get better at letting my emotions just… be.
I’m tired of optimizing my feelings; I just want to experience them
Children who grow up in very conservative families with emotionally unavailable parents tend to gravitate towards perfectionism.
They grow up learning that love is given on the condition of success, so they aim to succeed all the time. And then they burn out.
Been there, done that, don’t want.
For a long time, I blamed my parents for it. Couldn’t they see how hard I was trying? Can’t they just appreciate me for once? How am I supposed to handle all of this?
And then, I learned to accept that my parents cannot change who they became. They grew up in the same conservative family that I did. Where they are and the platform they managed to give their two children is remarkable.
I learned to accept that my parents did the best they could, even if that best wasn’t up to my standard.
And so, the next step to solving my emotional issues was to work on them directly, rather than deflect to my parents. That was and continues to be a long and difficult battle.
In the middle of that battle somewhere, I learned that the more I fight my feelings, the stronger they rebel. So I stopped trying to optimize them. This week has been an example of that. I want to feel my feelings and let them teach me.
For the longest time, I treated my feelings as the path in front of me. Feelings were data that told me how to react immediately and where to place my next step.
Now, I think that feelings are more like road signs. They tell me that something is coming up soon and I should tread carefully. I’m finding this to be a more stable and ultimately a more fulfilling approach.
Have you tried understanding and regulating your feelings? Do you introspect and grow? If not, try it. Come share a thought in the chat and let’s learn together.